The Ballad of Big Breezy

Another entry into the duty log. Be sure to check back often for all the fun tales to be had each and every week!

There was once a Marine. He was stationed on Camp Lejeune and was about to deploy to Iraq. He decided he would get him some action from a girl around base. Some of these ladies knew the deal right? Marines were constantly coming and going after all. Besides, they probably had loose morals and held no attachment. He could not have been more wrong…

Our hero, we will call him Carl, hopped on his social media app and looked for girls around the base. He found one, but to be accurate she was big enough to count as two or three. We’ll call her Big Breezy. Carl makes the slide into her inbox. He’s flirting and laying down that well polished game that always worked back home. Eventually, she invites him over. This is going better that Carl had hoped.

He hopes into his car and sets off the the address she provided. After 20 minutes or so, the GPS directs him to take a right into a trailer park. “Right, no big dee, just get some and get out,” Carl thought to him self. He arrives at the mobile home with the correct number. Big Breezy, and her cousin, are siting on the patio smoking menthols. Carl takes a big gulp upon seeing Big Breezy in person. She was *a lot* bigger in person.

“One for Chesty Puller,” he chuckles. The slight burst of laughter gives him enough confidence to proceed with his mission. After a few minutes of conversation Big Breezy gave Carl a beer. “Definitely need this” Carl thinks to himself. About an hour or so later, the cousin goes to the bath room and Big Breezy uses this as a chance to lead Carl to the bedroom.

Meanwhile, they get to business and it is awful. Concentrating as hard as he can to maintain, Carl is stunned to her Big Breezy panting what sound like the words “I love you” in-between labored breaths. Carl ignores this and continues to proceed. “I said I love you!” Big Breezy says now more forcefully. “B**** I don’t love you, I just met you!” Carl fires back. To this Big Breezy lets out a howl, a battle cry and in one swift motion pushes Carl off and is on her feet. Scissors flash at Carl’s face. He has no idea where they came from, but the impact on his collar bone hurts. He throws his hand up instinctually and takes several more deep gashes.

Now the cousin bursts through the door; she has a baseball bat! His heart pounding, blood gushing, Carl shoves Big Breezy to the ground with a thunderous thud! He grabs his pants which contains his keys, cell and wallet. He dodges a swing of the cousins bat, aimed at his head! With two quick juke moves he’s out the door, racing to his car. He leaps down the front steps. As a result, the gravel jabs into his feet as he desperately searches his pockets for the keys. Into the car and the engine roars. He peels out peppering the lot with rocks. As he looks in his rearview mirror he can see his assailants standing in the door way.

“Carl, what the f*** happened to your neck bro??” I ask him the next day at morning PT. “Dawg, you won’t even believe me” Carl begins as he tells the whole platoon about his brush with death. Soon after we deploy, and eventually return home. A month or so later I’m walking back onto the catwalk of the barracks late at night and I see a large lady angrily smoking a cigarette. Fearing an incident that may get us all in trouble, I walk over to see if somethings wrong. “Ma’am, are you ok?” I ask the woman. “Yeah Im fine” she replies through a smokey exhale. At that moment I hear a rhythmic thumping and what sounds like moaning from the barracks room she’s standing in front of.

“What’s going on?” Inquire carefully. “Just waiting on my cousin Breezy to finish up with this dumbs she’s with,” she retorts. Immediately, I feel a pang of fear as I look at the name plate on the barracks door. Sure enough, its Lance Corporal Carl’s room. As I stood there completely stunned another Marine walks over and says “Hey if you’re bored, come have a drink in my room.” She agrees and waddles after him. Above all, I could not let this Marine make this mistake.

I chase after them and before he closes the door behind them, I put my foot in the frame blocking it. However, before I can even begin to describe how big of a mistake this is, the hopeful Marine cusses at me and kicks my foot out, slamming the door in my face. However, Carl survived this encounter and would continue to see Big Breezy and others like her for many years.

In conclusion, this is the story of the bravest Marine I had ever met.

Daniel Sharp

Daniel Sharp

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