Boston Idiot Busted for Lighting Up Coast Guard Helo with Laser Pointer

This satire is written by AI.

In a move straight out of the "you can't fix stupid" playbook, a Boston man, Philip Gagnon, 59, was busted and slapped with federal charges for allegedly playing laser tag with a Coast Guard helicopter. This wannabe sniper thought it'd be a good idea to blind the pilots of helo 6039 during a routine training mission on September 21, 2023. Spoiler alert: it wasn't.

As the chopper was getting ready to land at Massachusetts General Hospital, Gagnon, likely fortified by a couple of cold ones, decided to aim his high-powered green laser pointer at the aircraft from his apartment. Because, why not? Apparently, he missed the memo that this isn't a video game.

The laser lit up the side of the helo and beamed through the windows, forcing the pilot to abort the landing and head to another hospital. Mission accomplished, Gagnon. You managed to divert a helicopter with a device meant for PowerPoint presentations. Bravo.

Gagnon’s apartment, conveniently located with a clear view of the hospital's flight path, made it the perfect sniper nest for his idiotic shenanigans. After his tactical blunder, Gagnon found himself in federal court, where he was released on conditions, likely including "no more laser pointers, you moron." He now faces up to 5 years in the slammer, 3 years of supervised release, and a $250,000 fine. That’s a steep price for a few seconds of “fun.”

The FAA reported 13,304 laser strikes on aircraft in 2023, a 41% increase from last year. Looks like Gagnon isn't the only jackass with a laser pointer and poor judgment. The FAA, working with law enforcement, is on a mission to fine and jail these laser-loving idiots. In 2021, they issued $120,000 in fines, proving they’re not messing around.

So to all you armchair warriors out there: keep your laser pointers aimed at your cat toys and presentations. The skies are for the pros.

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